My life as it is

The Void.

2012-01-24T14:45:00.001+08:00

I can feel it.

It's getting bigger.

Paranoid?

2012-01-10T21:42:00.001+08:00

I don't know if it's just me... Did I do something wrong? Or is she going through hard times?

I hope I can be there for her..

Alone.

2012-01-02T22:02:00.001+08:00

Just what I feel.

New Year?

2012-01-02T02:10:00.002+08:00

It's a new year, but the feelings the same...

Emptiness... I can't fill it somehow..

I love you.

2011-12-31T16:09:00.000+08:00

I wanna say it again. But when can I once more?

Rage.

2011-12-09T05:36:00.001+08:00

Dear diary,

Today I've experienced anger so bad that I would want to break something and I didn't care if my hand broke as well.

Why.

2011-11-12T19:07:00.001+08:00

Why does this always happen?

Friends, partners.

2011-11-10T22:56:00.001+08:00

Dear diary,

I can't shake this feeling off of me. Everyone has everyone else to be with them.

What about me?

Void.

2011-11-10T20:31:00.001+08:00

Darkness and despair..

Please leave me be..

I knew it.

2011-11-05T15:00:00.000+08:00

Yup, I ended up looking like the bad guy. Sleeping partners are normal, but that doesn't mean we should just leave them be. This is how I run my group. You don't like you get out. Simple as that. Why protect them?

This is bullshit.

I'm tired and sick of it.

2011-11-05T05:12:00.001+08:00

I have decided.

I will change.

To those who annoy/anooy me, beware.

To those who treat me nice, I will treat you nice.

Let's see how long this change will last,

compared to the previous changes.

I am..?

2011-11-05T00:11:00.000+08:00

Who am I?

What am I here for?

What is my purpose?

What am I supposed to do?

Will these questions ever be answered?

Or do I have to make my own assumptions?

Friends, and more.

2011-11-04T19:13:00.002+08:00

It's so nice to see them all together.. Friends.. Lovers..

Ah, I feel that hole in my heart again..

Cloud 9 is a bitch sometimes.

2011-10-31T02:05:00.000+08:00

Dear diary,

I've always thought that we must always look at the brighter side of life whenever I do events or plan something. But whenever I do, when things go out of hand, I am not prepared for the worst because I'm hoping for the best.

Is that so hard to understand sometimes? Why must every negative comment be bad? I mean, seriously! Why bother asking opinions from every one when you're hoping only for positive answers? And in the end, those who give also don't want to criticize, and all they give are standard answers that we either want or already know.

What's the use? If you're only hoping for the best, saying that, "we can do it if we have faith!" then I bid farewell to you because you never look at things realistically. This is the world; not heaven, not hell. If one does not prepare oneself with both possibilities, then problems can never be fixed. I've already tried giving advice to keep a committee down-to-earth, but all I got in return was hateful remarks about how I should think more positively.

Bullshit.

You're already thinking positively. Your optimism balloon has expanded that it could probably fit Taj Mahal. And yet you want other people to fill that bubble too? I'd rather deflate it to a reasonable area than hoping for something extreme and falling hard and fast when the plan fails.

Why can't you just see that? Being negative isn't all that bad. I don't become pessimistic for no reason, I become pessimistic because you are TOO optimistic, and by being like that I can help to control situations. But NOOOOOOOOOO.... positive thoughts are always the way to go.

Well, if that's the case, I'll just keep things to myself and watch you burn from the back seat. Have fun.

Till next time, ciao.

Time.

2011-10-14T12:47:00.002+08:00

Have you ever felt the urge to turn back time and just correct all the mistakes you've done in the past? That all those words that you've mistakenly blurted out will be erased, and no one will know those embarrassing things you did in front of them.

It's funny how whenever I talk to someone I'm not close with, I tend to make a lot of mistakes which in time will cause them to avoid me. Talking becomes awkward and short, but hey, it was always like this, especially when I talk to girls.

Guess I don't know how to control myself sometimes. I gotta learn my lesson that being too nice isn't a good thing either. Who knows that person already has a partner and starts misunderstanding my words and comes to pick a fight with me? On one hand, I can finally punch someone with force, but on the other, I'm gonna get the same force back.

But, is this where I say, "this is who I am, and I'm sure somewhere out there one person will accept me for who I am"? I don't really know who I am in the first place. All I know is that most of the time in my life, I'm like a "mistake" in life. Now, don't start telling me that what I'm thinking is wrong in God eyes; I already know that. But sometimes, haven't you felt this feeling before?

Helplessness

Depression

Alone

To the point you feel as if it was better you were never born. You only make your parents mad. You turn your friends into strangers or enemies. Who can be happy with you, for you, at you?

If only, time could be altered.

Till next time, ciao.

Perhaps.

2011-10-14T02:12:00.001+08:00

It's strange.

Whenever I want to talk to someone, or even chat, I tend to give the wrong image sometimes, or even make people avoid me.

Sometimes there's nothing to talk about, but I desire their company.. but I can't hold them.

Guess I'm just meant to be alone.

Fail?

2011-10-12T14:44:00.001+08:00

If I fail Pendidikan Moral.. does that mean I'm an immoral person?

Balls.

Life.

2011-10-11T20:42:00.000+08:00

Have you ever wondered how life would be like if you just took the other route in the past? When you were gonna buy some CD song or a car that you thought was cool at that time and suddenly realize, it's not so cool; don't you wish you could just turn back time and avoid all regrets?

Why is it that we have to walk down the path we are taking now? Or is it even the path we choose?

Sometimes I really hate life for the bitterness it gives me. Let's not talk about getting experience from mistakes or from falling down.. Why can't live ever be sweet, for everyone? Why must this world be so cruel, knowing that everyone has their right to freedom and happiness?

I really despise those who control other people's freedom to the extreme. Greedy, stubborn, narcissist, those who think themselves highly compared to others.

Wake up.

You're just human, just like any other people. If you think you're rich and can trample on others just because you have monetary power, let's see how you would do one day if someone stole all your property and you beg for help from others. If you think you're strong and you are unbeatable, in your old age no one will give you help. Karma is always watching you.

I may be a hypocrite by saying all this; I admit, sometimes I may have done it, but I try to control myself to be a better person to others. You want to get respect? Give it to others first.

Till next time, ciao.

Improvement!

2011-10-10T17:00:00.001+08:00

Finally for the first time after so long...

I finally finished one round of golf training without getting a blister!!

:D :D :D :D :D :D :D

Alone.

2011-10-09T17:50:00.000+08:00

I don't really know what I want right now.

To be alone? To be with someone special?

These mixed feelings keep swirling in my head, dancing around me as if they were mocking me with their presence. Playing around with my mind and heart... to the point I don't even know whether I have real feelings for someone or is it just playful affection.

Sigh.

I guess I want to be with someone after all.

To keep me company.

Face to face.

Random poem.

2011-10-08T21:15:00.002+08:00

Roses are red,
Violets are blue;
Don't screw with me,
And I won't poop on you.

:D

Why.

2011-10-08T19:56:00.001+08:00

There were times that I really felt like this.

Love.

2011-10-08T04:18:00.002+08:00

How can you tell really, between love and lust. Feelings mix up sometimes and the two become one, making everything so damn complicated.

Am I really experiencing love, or is it another thing?

Welcome back, Calvin. How may I be of service?

2011-10-08T03:59:00.002+08:00

Decided to start fresh again. New posts, new "life", hoping to reset the chatbox just for fun too. Will be posting more often I hope. Gotta be more active since social networks aren't a good place to post (too) personal stuffs.. even posting here could be dangerous sometimes but what the heck.

Till next time. Ciao.